Why do most people negotiate badly—and what do skilled negotiators do differently?
You negotiate more than you think—salary, responsibilities, prices, plans with friends, chores with family. Yet most of us are untrained and uncomfortable. What separates skilled negotiators from the rest of us?
Why negotiations go wrong:
• Seeing it as win-lose (zero-sum thinking)
• Focusing on positions, not interests
• Not preparing alternatives (BATNA)
• Talking too much, listening too little
• Making it personal/emotional
• Fear of "no" leading to over-concession
Bad negotiation leaves value on the table.
The Harvard approach (Fisher & Ury):
• SEPARATE people from the problem
• Focus on INTERESTS, not positions
• Generate OPTIONS for mutual gain
• Use objective CRITERIA
Goal: Find solutions that satisfy both parties' underlying needs.
It's not you vs. them—it's both vs. the problem.
Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement:
• What will you do if this negotiation fails?
• Your BATNA is your source of power
• Never accept worse than your BATNA
• A strong BATNA lets you walk away
• Work to improve your alternatives before negotiating
Know your walkaway point before you start.
Chris Voss's hostage negotiation insights:
• Label emotions: "It seems like you're frustrated..."
• Mirroring: Repeat last 1-3 words as question
• Calibrated questions: "How am I supposed to do that?"
• Get to "that's right" (not just "yes")
• "No" is not the end—it's the beginning
Make them feel understood before trying to be understood.
Great negotiators focus on interests (not positions), know their BATNA, and use tactical empathy to make the other side feel understood!
Key insight: Most negotiations fail because people see them as win-lose battles over positions. Skilled negotiators uncover underlying interests, prepare strong alternatives (BATNA), and use empathy strategically. The goal is mutual gain, not victory.
🤔 Which thinking lens(es) did you use?
Select all the lenses you used:
🌱 A Small Everyday Story
Position: "I want $70,000."
Their position: "We can only offer $60,000."
Stuck.
Interest: "I need to cover my increased commute costs and feel valued."
Their interest: "We need to stay within budget but don't want to lose you."
Solution: $62,000 + remote work days.
Both positions satisfied. Different package.
See more guidance →
Key concepts: BATNA, positions vs. interests, principled negotiation, tactical empathy, win-win thinking.