How do I stop seeking external validation?
Start by identifying ONE small area where you usually seek approval (like outfit choice) and consciously make a different decision based on your own preference, not what you think others will like. Then, actively notice and savor the feeling of autonomy, even if it's uncomfortable at first.
What is one thing you do primarily to impress others? What would happen if you stopped?
Your phone buzzes. A photo from a party. Everyone's laughing, dressed up, together. A pang of… something. Is it jealousy? Sadness? No. It's that familiar, hollow ache. The need for someone to say, 'You belong here. You are seen. You matter.' That feeling is the relentless hunger for external validation. It’s wanting others to fill a hole inside you. The silence after the buzz feels deafening, doesn't it?
What if the volume control was in your hands?
That ache comes from deep within your brain. Your brain is wired to seek connection. From an evolutionary perspective, approval meant survival. Being part of a group kept you safe and fed. Today, that wiring still exists. You crave approval, even when your survival isn't at stake.
Approval seeking becomes a problem when it overrides your own sense of self. When you constantly seek validation, you hand over your power to others. You become a puppet, dancing to their tune. According to a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, people with a high need for validation often experience higher levels of anxiety and depression.
Aisha, 28, lives in Mumbai. She constantly seeks her parents' approval, especially regarding her career choices. Despite being a talented graphic designer, Aisha feels pressured to pursue a more 'stable' profession, like accounting. Her evenings are filled with anxiety, wondering if she's making her parents proud. Aisha's culture places high value on family expectations, making it difficult for her to prioritize her own desires.
Contrast this with David, 35, from Toronto. He also values his family. However, David feels comfortable making life choices that differ from his parents' expectations. He knows his parents still love and support him, even if they don't always agree with his decisions. Both Aisha and David want familial approval, but the cultural context shapes their experience of that desire.
Start small. Identify one area where you constantly seek approval. Maybe it's your outfit, your hairstyle, or your social media posts. This week, make a different choice. Choose based on your own preference, not what you think others will like.
Say this: 'I like this.' Then, notice how it feels. Even if you feel uncomfortable, acknowledge the feeling of autonomy. It might feel foreign at first. Actively savor the feeling of freedom. Smaller moves: Unfollow accounts that trigger your insecurity and validation issues. Compliment yourself in the mirror each morning. When you start to rely on your own opinion, you’ll find external approval matters less.
You don't need everyone's approval. You need your own. Start small, make choices for yourself, and savor the feeling of freedom. It's okay to want validation, but you don't need it to survive.
🤔 Which thinking lens(es) did you use?
Select all the lenses you used while thinking about this:
Common Questions
Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping. Give yourself encouragement. Challenge negative self-talk. Set small, achievable goals. Celebrate your wins, no matter how small. Self-esteem grows when you cultivate a kind inner voice.
Often, the need for external validation stems from childhood experiences. Perhaps you grew up in an environment where affection was conditional. Maybe praise was only given when you achieved something. This can create a belief that your worth depends on external achievements. Consider this: a parent who says, 'I love you when you get good grades' unintentionally teaches their child that love is earned, not freely given. As an adult, you may subconsciously seek to recreate that dynamic, constantly seeking external validation to feel worthy of love and acceptance.
Yes! A desire for approval is normal. Humans are social creatures. Wanting to be liked and accepted is part of your wiring. The issue arises when need for approval controls your choices and self-worth.
First, understand their perspective. Parents often want what they believe is best for you, even if it doesn't align with your desires. Open communication is key. Share your feelings and aspirations with them. Set boundaries. Explain you appreciate their input, but you must make your own decisions. For example, say this: 'Mom, Dad, I understand your concerns, and I value your advice. But I need to make this decision for myself. I hope you can respect that.'
Acknowledge the feeling. Tell yourself it's okay to feel disappointed. Challenge the negative thoughts fueling insecurity. Remind yourself that one person's opinion doesn't define your worth. Focus on your strengths and accomplishments.
Try the 'Self-Compassion Break.' When you feel down, place your hand on your heart. Acknowledge the suffering ('This is a moment of suffering'). Remind yourself that suffering is part of the human experience ('Suffering is a part of life for everyone'). Then, offer yourself kindness ('May I be kind to myself'). Kristen Neff, a self-compassion researcher, created this exercise. It builds self-worth when you treat yourself with compassion and humanity.
Healthy validation feels good. It's a bonus. Unhealthy dependence feels essential. You feel empty without it. Healthy validation supports your self-worth. Unhealthy dependence replaces it. Remember: You are the source of your own value.
Start small. Each day, do one thing solely for your own enjoyment. No need to post about it online. No need to tell anyone. Keep it to yourself. Focus on the joy it brings you. Over time, this will build your internal reservoir of contentment. You'll learn to value your own opinion and company above all else.