Why does making friends feel like dating?
Making friends and dating both involve putting yourself out there, facing potential rejection, and assessing compatibility, but the core difference lies in the *type* of intimacy you're seeking: friendship prioritizes shared activities and emotional support, while dating aims for romantic and physical connection.
What is one small step you can take this week to nurture your existing friendships? What is one fear holding you back from how to make friends?
Putting yourself out there feels like submitting applications. Each coffee invite feels like a cover letter. Every conversation feels like an interview. Are you compatible? Do you have shared interests? Will you get ghosted after investing emotional energy? Making friends as an adult can feel a lot like dating. The stakes feel high. Rejection feels personal. That's why it's so tempting to just stay home.
What if there's a good reason for this feeling?
You're experiencing something normal. Both friendship and dating require vulnerability. Both involve the risk of rejection. Both demand time and emotional investment. Dating and adult friendships require assessing compatibility. Is this person someone you want in your life? According to a study by Marissa Franco, Ph.D., people with strong social connections have a 50% increased chance of longevity. You're not wrong to feel the pressure. You're right to sense the importance of finding friends.
What if you could change your perspective on the process?
Aisha, 34, lives in Mumbai. She works remotely and feels isolated. "It's hard to find people who understand my struggles," Aisha says. "Everyone seems to have their own established friend groups." She tried joining a book club, but it felt awkward. She didn't connect with anyone. Now she's hesitant to try again.
Contrast this with Javier, 28, from Madrid. He also felt lonely after moving to a new city. Javier joined a local soccer team, even though he wasn't very good. He focused on having fun and meeting people. Now, he has a solid group of friends who share his love for the sport. Both Aisha and Javier experienced social anxiety making friends, but their approaches and outcomes differed.
Try the 'Anchor Habit' Strategy. Automate showing up. Tie your social life to a recurring activity. Commit to a non-negotiable event. This bypasses decision fatigue and creates repeated exposure. Say this: 'Hey, I'm going to [local event] this [day of the week]. Want to join?'
Here are a few smaller moves:
- Start a conversation with someone new this week.
- Reconnect with an old friend. Send a text or email.
- Join a group related to your interests.
Realistic outcome: You might not find your new best friend immediately. You will expand your social circle. You will feel more connected.
Finding friends as an adult takes effort, vulnerability, and a willingness to put yourself out there. It's okay if it feels like dating sometimes! The key is to stay persistent, be open to new connections, and value the adult friendships you already have.
🤔 Which thinking lens(es) did you use?
Select all the lenses you used while thinking about this:
Common Questions
Yes. Both involve putting yourself out there. Both involve assessing compatibility. Both involve the risk of rejection. Recognize the similarities. It's normal to feel this way. Don't let it discourage you.
Both require vulnerability. Both involve sharing personal information. Both involve assessing if your values and interests align. Both demand time and emotional investment. Think of making a friend like planting a seed. You nurture it with attention and care. Over time, it grows into something strong and beautiful.
Awkwardness often comes from uncertainty. You're unsure of the other person's intentions. You might worry about saying the wrong thing. Acknowledge the awkwardness. Most people feel it too. Humor can help.
Not necessarily. It might mean you're putting too much pressure on yourself. Friendship should feel natural and enjoyable, not forced. Reframe your approach. Instead of focusing on making friends, focus on enjoying shared activities. Let friendships develop organically. Try volunteering for a cause you care about. Passion can ease the process.
Look for signs of reciprocity. Do they initiate conversations? Do they seem genuinely interested in what you have to say? Do they make an effort to spend time with you? These are good signs.
Start with small gestures. Suggest a coffee. Share an article. Offer support. See how the other person responds. Match their level of effort. Avoid overwhelming them with too much, too soon. Remember the 'Friendship DTR' script: 'I've really been enjoying our [weekly walks/monthly dinners]. It's honestly a highlight for me. Would you be open to putting a recurring thing on the calendar so we don't have to schedule it from scratch every time?'
It might mean they're not as interested in a close friendship. It's okay to accept that. Not every connection will blossom into a deep bond. Focus your energy on people who reciprocate your efforts. Invest where you're valued.
Start small. Practice initiating conversations with people you already know. Prepare a few simple conversation starters. Focus on listening. People appreciate genuine interest. Remember, many others experience social anxiety making friends. You aren't alone. Try this script: 'Hey [Name], it was great meeting you at [Event] last week. I'm still thinking about what you said about [topic]. If you're ever free for a coffee, I'd love to continue the conversation.'