Did my birth order set me up to fail in my career?
While your birth order might influence your personality and tendencies, it doesn't predetermine your career success; your skills, drive, and adaptability are far more critical factors.
What one small step can you take this week to redefine your role within your family? What's the cost of staying in the same role?
Picture your family as a stage. From the moment you were born, a role was assigned to you. Perhaps you were cast as "the responsible one" because you were the firstborn. Or maybe you became "the peacemaker" as a middle child. If you were the baby of the family, you might have been labeled "the charmer." These roles, shaped by sibling influence, aren't always fair. Often, you feel trapped playing a part that doesn't quite fit. You're not sure if your career choices are truly yours, or just an extension of that childhood script. What if your family's casting call isn't your destiny?
Why do families cast these roles? One theory is the niche-picking hypothesis. Siblings unconsciously compete for parental resources like attention and praise. To avoid direct competition, each child develops a unique niche. The firstborn might excel academically, securing praise for intelligence. A later-born might develop social skills, gaining attention for charm. This isn't a conscious choice. Instead, it’s an unconscious strategy to maximize love and resources. Psychologist Frank Sulloway found that later-borns are more open to new experiences and challenge the status quo. About 49% of later borns are highly open to new experiences, compared to 40% of firstborns. This can explain why some later-borns are drawn to entrepreneurial or artistic careers.
Aisha, 32, from Mumbai, always felt pressured to pursue medicine because her older brother was already a successful engineer. In her family, the firstborn advantages came with expectations of high achievement and stability. She secretly dreamed of being a fashion designer, but feared disappointing her parents. After years of feeling unfulfilled as a doctor, Aisha finally opened a small boutique. Now she feels free. In contrast, in some Scandinavian cultures, parents actively encourage each child to explore their individual passions, regardless of birth order. This allows for greater flexibility in career success, without the constraints of traditional roles.
This week, challenge one aspect of your family role. Start small. Identify one behavior you do automatically. Then, choose a different response. Say this: "I'm going to try handling this differently. I'm not going to [old behavior], I'm going to [new behavior]."
Smaller moves:
- Notice when you fall into your old role. Just observe without judgment.
- Ask a trusted friend or partner for feedback. Are you falling back into old patterns?
People might resist your change at first. Over time, though, your family will adjust to the new you.
Your birth order is just a starting point, not a life sentence. You can choose which parts of your childhood role to keep and which to discard. Your skills and passions matter more.
🤔 Which thinking lens(es) did you use?
Select all the lenses you used while thinking about this:
Common Questions
Absolutely not. Being the youngest can actually be an advantage. Often, the youngest children are more creative, charming, and risk-tolerant. These laterborn traits can be powerful assets in many careers. Focus on your strengths, not perceived limitations.
Firstborns are often responsible and organized, traits that can lead to leadership roles. However, leadership isn't one-size-fits-all. Firstborns may struggle with delegating or adapting to change. Remember that leadership takes many forms. A later born might be a better leader because they are more open to new ideas and collaboration. For example, my friend’s older sister was always “in charge” growing up but found that style didn’t work well in her software job. She had to adapt to a more collaborative style, which took time but ultimately made her a better leader.
Middle children are often excellent negotiators and mediators. Careers in human resources, sales, or law might be a good fit. Birth order does not define you, but your natural strengths can guide your choices. Look for roles that require empathy and diplomacy.
Acknowledge the stereotype, then defy it. If people expect you to be irresponsible because you're the youngest, showcase your reliability. If they think you're bossy because you're the oldest, practice active listening. When one hiring manager told Omar he seemed “too cautious” for a marketing role (likely due to firstborn stereotypes), Omar came prepared with examples of risk-taking strategies he had successfully implemented in past campaigns. He got the job!
There's no direct evidence that birth order dictates salary. Skills, experience, and negotiation skills are far more important. Some studies suggest firstborns may earn slightly more on average, but this is likely due to factors like higher education levels. Focus on developing your expertise and negotiating your worth.
It is possible, but not advisable. Changing your career solely based on birth order is like choosing a job based on your astrological sign. Instead, use your understanding of sibling influence as a starting point for self-reflection. Consider what aspects of your childhood role you want to keep or discard. For example, if you're a firstborn accountant who secretly wants to be a comedian, take an improv class. See if you can bring some of the humor to your accounting work. Don't throw away a stable career for a stereotype.
Being an only child has pros and cons. Often only children are independent and self-reliant. The downside is they may struggle with teamwork or sharing credit. Recognize your strengths and weaknesses. Seek opportunities to collaborate and develop your interpersonal skills.
Yes, understanding birth order can improve your work performance. Knowing your tendencies can help you anticipate challenges and leverage your strengths. If you're a middle child known for conflict resolution, volunteer to mediate team disagreements. If you're the youngest and good at pitching ideas, get on the innovation team. Also, understanding the birth order of colleagues can help you better communicate with them. One of my clients used to get into constant fights with a colleague. After learning they were both firstborns used to being in charge, they made space for each other and got along better.