Do I like them or just the attention they give me?
If you're more worried about *losing* the attention than *losing* the person, you probably just like the attention.
If this person disappeared tomorrow, would you miss them, or what they give you?
Imagine you're scrolling through social media. You see a post. A person you like them or attention is in the picture. Suddenly, you are in the picture, too. Getting likes, comments, feeling like you're "winning." Is your heart beating faster because of them? Or because of the attention you're getting? Confused about feelings can feel like this. What happens when the comments stop? Do you still want to be in the picture? Or just get out of their way? What happens next tells you everything.
Humans crave attention. It's not just a teen crush; it's a basic need. Attention activates the reward centers in your brain. This releases dopamine, making you feel good. It feels like am I in love, but it's actually a desire to be seen and validated. This is especially true during adolescence, when you're figuring out who you are. According to a study by UCLA, social acceptance activates similar neural pathways as receiving money. Attention vs affection can be hard to tell apart because they both feel rewarding. The question becomes: which reward are you chasing?
Aisha, 16, in Mumbai, felt a rush when Rohan started liking her posts. She loved the comments, the followers, the sense of being admired. But when Rohan's attention shifted to another girl, Aisha realized she missed the spotlight more than Rohan himself. She felt used and empty. Meanwhile, in Canada, David, 17, realized he only liked Sarah because she made him feel popular. He asked himself: would I like her if no one else knew? The answer was no. He was mistaking attention for a deeper connection.
Try this exercise: picture them succeeding at something without you. Imagine them getting an award, acing a test, or making a new friend, and you're not involved. Do you feel genuinely happy for them? Or jealous that you're not the center of attention?
Say this: "I'm really happy for you. Tell me more about it."
Other moves:
- Unfollow them for 24 hours. See how you feel without the constant updates.
- Do something kind for them without expecting anything in return.
Outcome: You will know whether your feelings run deeper than just wanting to be seen.
If you're more worried about losing the attention than losing the person, you probably just like the attention. Genuine attraction means caring about them, not just what they give you. Ask yourself: who would they be without me?
🤔 Which thinking lens(es) did you use?
Select all the lenses you used while thinking about this:
Common Questions
Loneliness can make you crave connection. It's easy to mistake any attention for affection. Ask yourself: am I drawn to them specifically? Or just anyone who notices me? Your answer will tell you a lot.
A big sign: you talk about them constantly on social media, but rarely spend quality time together offline. Another: you get jealous when they give attention to others. Think about Padma, who dated Jake for the Instagram photos but never listened when he talked about his feelings. Her feed was fire, but their connection was ice cold. If it’s all for show, you might be in it for the likes, not the love.
Absolutely. Both trigger feel-good chemicals in your brain. You can easily confuse the dopamine rush of attention with genuine affection. It's like mistaking a sugar high for actual energy.
Slow down. Distance yourself a bit. Write down what you admire about them as a person, not just how they make you feel. For instance, instead of "They make me feel amazing," try "They always stand up for what's right." This focuses on their character, not just your ego boost. Remember, true feelings grow over time, while attention is fleeting. If you find yourself struggling, talk to a trusted friend about it.
Genuine attraction is about caring for the other person's well-being. It's wanting them to be happy, even if it doesn't directly benefit you. It’s a "how can I help?" feeling, not a "what can I get?" feeling.
Everyone wants to feel seen and valued. Your craving might be stronger if you felt overlooked in the past. Or if you tie your self-worth to external validation. Try this self-talk: "My value doesn't depend on other people's opinions." Recognize that you are worthy of love and respect, even when you're not getting likes.
Fear of being alone can make you settle for less. It's easy to grab onto any connection, even if it's not right for you. Realize that being alone is better than being with someone who doesn't truly see you.
A crush is a rapid, intense infatuation often based on idealization. Love, according to relationship expert Dr. John Gottman, is built on mutual respect, trust, and shared values. Imagine your crush is running late and misses your date: with a crush, you're devastated because your fantasy is ruined. With love, you're worried and hope they're okay. One is about you; the other is about them.