How can I be fair to both my kids?
Fairness isn't about giving each child the *same* thing, but giving each child what *they* need. Identify each child's unique needs and tailor your approach to meet those needs individually, even if it looks different on the surface.
What unresolved issues from your own childhood might be coloring how you perceive and respond to your children's conflicts? What does 'fairness' mean to you?
Imagine your living room. Toys are scattered. Two children are locked in a battle over a blue block. High-pitched screams fill the air. One shouts, "It's mine!" The other wails, "That's not fair!" Your head starts to pound. All you wanted was five minutes of peace. The feeling of sibling rivalry is so intense. You wonder if you will ever have a moment of calm. It feels impossible to make everyone happy. What if you are causing permanent damage? Is there a way to navigate this chaos?
You are trying to be fair. You want equal treatment children. But "fair" is not about giving each child the same thing. "Fair" means giving each child what they need. This is called fair parenting. Each child has different needs, interests, and personalities. What works for one might not work for the other. For example, studies show that children are more sensitive to perceived unfairness from their mothers than their fathers. According to research in the Journal of Family Psychology, this can lead to increased jealousy between siblings. Recognize this. Tailor your approach to each child's individual needs.
Aisha, a 38-year-old mother in Mumbai, deals with her children's constant bickering over screen time. She feels torn between letting them enjoy their devices and ensuring they get enough physical activity. Aisha worries that her daughter feels less loved. Meanwhile, in Stockholm, Erik encourages his children to resolve conflicts independently. He steps in only when things get physical. He believes teaching them to negotiate is essential for their future. Whether in India or Sweden, parents everywhere struggle with parenting tips siblings. These differences in approach can feel isolating.
This week, try narrating the conflict, not mediating. This helps handle sibling jealousy. When a fight starts, don't jump in to solve it. Instead, calmly describe what you see. Say this: "I see two of you want the same toy. I see frustration in both your faces." Acknowledge each child's feelings without taking sides. Next, offer choices. Can they take turns? Can they find a different toy? Finally, resist the urge to punish. Guiding them to a solution will help them develop conflict resolution skills. Over time, you'll create a more peaceful home.
Fairness isn't about splitting things equally. It's about understanding what each child needs. When you meet those needs, the fighting decreases, and the love grows.
🤔 Which thinking lens(es) did you use?
Select all the lenses you used while thinking about this:
Common Questions
Yes, it is normal to feel a stronger connection with one child at times. A parent might have more in common with one child. Or a child may need more support at a particular age. Acknowledge the feeling without guilt. Always strive to treat both children with love and respect.
Fighting over toys is common. First, teach sharing and taking turns. Use a timer to signal when it's time to switch. If fighting continues, remove the toy temporarily. Model calm communication. Teach children to use "I" statements to express feelings. For example, "I feel sad when you take my toy."
Fair means meeting each child's unique needs. It does not mean giving them the same thing. One child might need extra help with homework. Another might need more emotional support. Focus on providing what each child requires to thrive.
Even small moments of individual attention matter. Schedule 15 minutes with each child daily. It could be reading a book, playing a game, or chatting. Put away your phone. Be fully present. Quality time, even in short bursts, strengthens your bond with each child. Remember to make it an activity they enjoy.
Use simple language. Explain that fair means everyone gets what they need. It does not mean everyone gets the same thing. Use examples. "Aisha needs a bigger car seat because she is bigger than Omar." Be consistent. Reinforce the concept regularly.
Embrace the differences. If one child is athletic and the other artistic, support both interests. Attend soccer games and art shows. Allocate resources accordingly. Communicate openly with each child. Explain why their sibling receives different support. For example, "Your sister needs extra tutoring in math, which is why she needs more help from Dad."
Guilt is common. Recognize that providing identical opportunities is impossible. Focus on providing equitable opportunities. Ensure each child has access to resources to pursue their passions. Celebrate their unique achievements. Value their individual contributions to the family.
Sibling rivalry can lessen with age. However, it may never disappear entirely. As children mature, they develop better conflict resolution skills. They establish their own identities and interests. Continue to foster open communication. Model respectful behavior. Encourage empathy. Remind them that you love each of them. Dr. Laura Markham, author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings, offers great resources.