How can I tell my parents they are the ones hurting me?
Before you talk, write down specific examples of what they do and how it makes you feel using 'I feel' statements (e.g., 'I feel anxious when you constantly check my grades'). This prevents them from dismissing your feelings as general complaints.
What's the most difficult thing about communicating with your parents effectively? If you could change one thing about your relationship with them, what would it be?
Imagine a dam. Inside is a flood of emotions. Sadness, anger, confusion. The dam is you, holding it all back. But the water is rising. Cracks are forming. You're exhausted from the pressure. You want your parents to understand the weight. But how do you tell them they're adding to the flood? What words do you use when telling parents they hurt you?
Your parents may not realize the impact of their words or actions. This is often because of different communication styles. What they think is helpful, you experience as hurtful. According to a study by the Gottman Institute, only 9% of couples communicate effectively during conflict. Your parents might be stuck in a pattern. Perhaps they repeat what their own parents did. Or perhaps they don't have the skills to communicate with you effectively. It’s also possible that your parents are dealing with their own stress. This stress spills over into your relationship. It can lead to them invalidating your feelings.
Aisha, 17, from Karachi, felt her parents constantly dismissed her dreams of becoming an artist. They wanted her to become a doctor. “Every time I showed them my paintings, they’d say, ‘That’s a nice hobby, but what about your studies?’”. Aisha felt unseen and unheard. She felt her parents didn't value her passions. Maria, 16, from Madrid, experiences the opposite. Her parents are very involved, but she feels suffocated. They constantly ask about her grades and social life. Maria says, “Parents hurting me emotionally feels the same, whether they ignore me or watch me too closely.”
Prepare before you talk. Write down specific examples of what your parents do. Then, write down how it makes you feel. Use "I feel" statements. For example: "I feel anxious when you constantly check my grades." This prevents them from dismissing your feelings as general complaints. Say this: "I want to talk about something important. I've been feeling hurt by some things, and I want us to understand each other better." Smaller moves: 1. Pick a calm time to talk. 2. Listen to their response, even if it's hard. When you try this, expect some resistance at first. Stay calm and stick to your "I feel" statements.
It's brave to tell your parents they're hurting you. Be clear about how their actions affect you. Stay calm, use "I feel" statements, and be prepared for resistance. This can lead to real change.
🤔 Which thinking lens(es) did you use?
Select all the lenses you used while thinking about this:
Common Questions
Yes, it's okay to acknowledge when a relationship is harmful. The word "toxic" is strong. Think about if you want to use that word. You can still address the behavior without labeling them. Focus on specific actions and their impact on you. This way, the conversation stays productive.
Focus on your feelings, not accusations. Instead of saying, "You always criticize me," say, "I feel discouraged when I hear negative feedback about my choices." Give specific examples. For example, "When you said my outfit was inappropriate, I felt embarrassed and judged." Remember your goal is to be heard, not to win an argument. A calm, clear approach is best.
This is hard to say directly. Start by acknowledging your anxiety. Then, gently connect it to their actions. For example: "I've been feeling really anxious lately. I think some of it comes from the pressure I feel to meet your expectations."
One approach is to use the "validate, then share" method. First, acknowledge their perspective, even if you disagree. For example, "I understand you want me to be successful, and I appreciate that." Then, share your feelings. "At the same time, I feel overwhelmed by the pressure." Maya Angelou said, "People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
It's frustrating when parents dismiss your feelings. Acknowledge the dismissal to yourself: "Okay, they are invalidating me." Then, try to find validation elsewhere. Talk to a friend, a teacher, or another trusted adult. Remember, your feelings are real, even if your parents don't acknowledge them. Setting boundaries may become necessary.
Setting boundaries means defining what you're comfortable with. It's about protecting your emotional space. Be clear and direct. For example, "I need you to stop reading my diary." Or, "I'm not going to discuss my weight with you anymore." Be prepared to enforce your boundaries. If they cross a line, remind them of your boundary and end the conversation if necessary. It’s okay to tell parents they are hurting you by violating your boundaries.
Be direct but gentle. Explain that needing space is not a rejection of them. It's about your own needs. "I love you, and I value our relationship. But I also need some time to myself to recharge." Frame it as a temporary need, not a permanent change.
If your parents react with anger, it's important to prioritize your safety. Choose your battles carefully. You might need to find alternative ways to cope. Write in a journal, express yourself creatively, or talk to a trusted friend. If you still want to communicate feelings with your parents, try writing a letter. This allows you to express yourself without immediate confrontation. The Gottman Institute recommends active listening, even in written form. This means acknowledging the other person's perspective before sharing your own.