How do we decide which holidays to celebrate?
Don't default to Hallmark! Instead of feeling obligated to every holiday, choose 2-3 *shared* values (like adventure, family, or giving back) and pick holidays that reflect those. This creates meaningful traditions instead of forced celebrations.
What's one holiday tradition you secretly dread? What would happen if you didn't celebrate it?
Imagine two magnets. Each one pulls you toward a different holiday tradition. Maybe your family always had a huge Christmas Eve party. Your partner's family might have a quiet New Year's Day brunch. Now, you're stuck in the middle. You feel guilty choosing one over the other. Or worse, you feel like you're losing a piece of yourself. The holidays to celebrate as a couple suddenly feel like a battleground. Where do you even begin to decide which couple holidays are 'right' for you both?
Ready to find a better way? Keep reading.
Why is this so hard? Because culture shapes your expectations. You may not even realize how deeply your family traditions are ingrained. It's like a cultural "default setting." Also, you need to focus on your values. Values are your core beliefs about what’s important in life. Holidays often represent these values, like family, generosity, or spirituality. When you and your partner have different cultural backgrounds, your holiday 'default settings' might clash. According to research, mismatched expectations are a leading cause of conflict during the holidays, with nearly 60% of couples reporting increased stress. Source: American Psychological Association.
Aisha, 32, from Mumbai, always celebrated Diwali with a huge family gathering, elaborate feasts, and vibrant decorations. When she married David, who grew up with a quiet Christmas in rural Vermont, she felt like he didn't understand the importance of Diwali. It wasn't just a holiday; it was a connection to her family and her heritage.
Now, consider Sarah, 28, from Dublin. She found herself in a similar situation, but with a different twist. Her American partner, Michael, expected Thanksgiving to be a massive feast with extended family. Sarah, used to a more low-key affair, felt overwhelmed by the pressure. Both Aisha and Sarah felt the pain of cultural collision during what was supposed to be a joyous time.
Instead of picking sides, build something new. Talk about your shared relationship holiday calendar.
- Identify shared values. What's important to both of you? Adventure? Family? Giving back?
- Choose holidays that reflect those values. Don't feel obligated to celebrate every holiday. Pick 2-3 that truly resonate.
- Create new traditions together. This might mean blending elements from both your backgrounds or inventing something entirely new.
Say this: "Let's create holidays for couples that reflect us, not just our families."
Realistic outcome: You'll build a deeper connection with your partner and create meaningful traditions that are uniquely yours. Managing holiday expectations in a relationship becomes easier.
Forget the forced Hallmark holiday routine! Decide which holidays to celebrate as a couple based on your shared values. This makes your romantic holidays meaningful, and eases the stress of 'who gets what' during the holidays for couples.
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Common Questions
Compromise is key, but avoid a simple 50/50 split. Instead, focus on understanding the meaning behind each tradition. Why is it important? Then, find a way to honor that meaning in a way that works for both of you. Maybe you alternate years or create a new tradition that blends both.
In a new relationship, start small. Focus on holidays that celebrate connection, like Valentine's Day. Avoid pressure-filled holidays with family, like Thanksgiving or Christmas, until you're both ready. A simple gesture or thoughtful gift can be more meaningful than a grand gesture. Last Valentine's Day, I got my girlfriend flowers for her desk - a low key way to show I cared.
Start with a blank slate. Ask yourselves: What do we want our holidays to look like? What values do we want to express? Maybe volunteer at a soup kitchen on Thanksgiving, or take a trip to a new city for New Year's. The goal is to create something that feels authentically you.
Absolutely! You're not obligated to celebrate every holiday. If a holiday causes more stress than joy, skip it. Instead, focus on celebrating the holidays that truly resonate with both of you. Use the time to do something you both enjoy, like hiking, reading, or playing a video game. My sister told me that she and her husband just skip Thanksgiving and go to the movies - works for them!
Alternate years. One year, spend Thanksgiving with your family. The next year, spend it with your partner's family. This feels fair. Or split the time. Have Thanksgiving dinner with your family, then drive to your partner's family for dessert. Do what feels balanced for both of you.
Beyond the traditional holidays, find unique and fun holidays to celebrate. Consider International Chocolate Day, or even Talk Like a Pirate Day. These lighthearted holidays can add some fun and spontaneity to your relationship. They also take the pressure off the 'big' holidays. My husband and I always watch bad horror movies on National Vampire Day - a fun way to be goofy together.
Open communication is key. Talk about your expectations before the holidays arrive. What are your hopes? What are your fears? Be honest about your feelings. This helps avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Listen to your partner with empathy. Acknowledge their feelings, even if you don't agree with them.
This is tricky. Start by acknowledging that their tradition probably isn't intended to be hurtful. But, it has that impact on you. Use "I feel" statements. For instance: "When your family makes jokes about [my culture's food], I feel like my heritage is being mocked." Then, suggest an alternative. For example: "Could we try focusing on the positive aspects of our different cuisines instead?" Remember Partner A (to their family): 'I know you mean well, but the way you said that plays into a stereotype that can be hurtful. [Partner B] is an individual, and ...'