I'm in an arranged marriage and feel like I missed out on romance. What do I do?
Reframe 'missing out' as an opportunity to *create* a unique romance; start by exploring each other's 'love languages' through a shared activity, not grand gestures, to build intimacy from the ground up.
If you could press a button and instantly have the romance you dreamed of, but lose the security you have, would you press it? What does that say about what you truly value?
Imagine your love life as a garden. A love marriage is a garden bursting with flowers on day one. An arranged marriage garden starts with seeds. You see other gardens in full bloom and feel a pang. Are you missing out on the beauty, the fragrance, the instant joy? You feel like your garden is behind. Like you settled for less. The 'what ifs' bloom in your mind. What if you never grow those flowers? What if all you get are leaves? What if that seed never sprouts? Maybe you can create your own unique garden.
A love marriage often starts with intense romantic love. That feeling activates dopamine and norepinephrine in your brain. It creates a powerful bond quickly. An arranged marriage starts with companionate love. This is a calmer, more stable form of affection built on respect, shared values, and commitment. Companionate love releases oxytocin, which deepens over time. Studies show that while romantic love fades, companionate love grows stronger in many marriages. According to a 2012 study by Dr. Robert Epstein, arranged marriages often report higher levels of satisfaction after several years than love marriages. The feeling of missing out comes from comparing your starting point to someone else's finish line.
Aisha, 28, from Mumbai, felt the same way after her arranged marriage. "All my friends were dating, having these grand romances," Aisha said. "I felt like I was signing up for a business deal, not a love story." Over time, she and her husband discovered a shared love for cooking. They started experimenting with new recipes together. Now, ten years later, she says, "Our kitchen is where we fell in love." Maria, 35, from Chicago, had the opposite experience. She chose her partner and felt intense pressure to keep the romance alive, even when it faded. Both Aisha and Maria experienced a sense of loss, just on different timelines.
Try a small act of creation. This week, create something together. Cook a meal, paint a picture, or build furniture. The key is shared effort. It will help you learn more about each other. It also allows you to build something tangible together. Say this: 'I was thinking we could try [activity] together this week. I'm curious to see what we can create.' Here are a few other small moves: List three things you admire about your partner. Ask your partner about their dreams for the future. * Surprise your partner with a small, thoughtful gift. Many couples find that small acts of creation lead to deeper connection and intimacy.
You are not behind. You are on a different path. Reframe the feeling of 'missing out' as an opportunity to co-create a unique kind of love. It's okay to want more romance; start by building shared experiences.
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Select all the lenses you used while thinking about this:
Common Questions
Yes, absolutely. It's normal to grieve the path not taken. You might see friends in love marriages and wonder 'what if?' Acknowledge that feeling without letting it define your marriage. Focus on building your unique connection.
Yes, love can absolutely grow in an arranged marriage. Think of love as a plant. A love marriage starts with a seedling; an arranged marriage starts with a seed. Both can blossom if nurtured. Focus on building respect, trust, and shared experiences. Nurture the seed, and the plant will grow.
Be direct, but kind. Start by saying what you appreciate about your relationship. Then, express your desire for more romance as a way to deepen your bond. Avoid blaming or criticizing. Be clear and positive. For instance, say: 'I really value our connection, and I would love to explore ways to bring more romance into our lives.'
It's important to distinguish between romantic love and companionate love. Romantic love is intense and passionate. Companionate love is based on friendship, respect, and shared values. If you don't feel romantic love, focus on building companionate love. As researcher Terri Orbuch found in her 30-year study of marriage, many lasting relationships are built on a strong foundation of friendship and mutual respect. Try doing activities together that foster connection and communication, such as cooking, hiking, or volunteering.
Intimacy comes in many forms. Build emotional intimacy by sharing your thoughts and feelings. Build physical intimacy through gentle touch and affection. Schedule regular date nights to focus on each other. Create shared rituals, like morning coffee or evening walks. These small acts build intimacy over time.
Yes, it is possible! Many couples in arranged marriages find deep fulfillment. The key is to actively create romance. Don't wait for it to happen. Take the initiative to plan romantic gestures, express your love and appreciation, and prioritize quality time together. Remember, romance is a skill you can develop, not just a feeling that appears. One example: Every Friday, Sarah and Ali from Dubai recreate their first date. They've been married for 15 years.
Reframe the idea of 'settling.' You didn't settle; you made a choice based on different priorities. You chose stability, family values, or cultural alignment. Acknowledge the benefits of your choice. Then, focus on building a fulfilling life within those parameters. Comparison is the thief of joy.
This is a delicate balance. Start by understanding your family's concerns. Often, they want your happiness and security. Explain that building romance is not a rejection of their values, but an investment in your marriage. Frame it as a way to strengthen your bond and create a more fulfilling life together. Try this script: 'I value our family's traditions, and I also want to proactively build a loving, romantic relationship with [partner's name]. Both are important to me.' Then, involve your partner in finding ways to show respect to your family while creating more romance in your marriage.