I'm so much more excited than my own child was. Is that weird?
It's not weird. You're likely experiencing 'Kinkeeping' – the emotional labor of maintaining family connections. Your child might be overwhelmed with the practicalities of impending parenthood, while you're free to enjoy the pure joy of welcoming a new family member.
What expectations do you have about your role as a grandparent? How can you adjust these expectations to better support your child?
A tidal wave crashes. It's the rush of grandparent excitement when you hear about your future grandchild. You imagine tiny fingers, first words, and family gatherings. But then, you look at your child. A different tide is pulling them under. Maybe it's morning sickness, financial worries, or career anxieties. Your joy feels out of sync. You wonder if your excitement is inappropriate, even selfish.
What if feeling this much joy is actually okay?
It’s not weird to feel more excited than your child. You might be experiencing kinkeeping. Kinkeeping is the emotional labor of maintaining family connections and celebrating milestones. Grandparents often have the space to focus on the emotional and relational aspects of a new baby. Your child, on the other hand, might be dealing with the immediate practicalities of pregnancy or new parenthood.
Additionally, for many grandparents, welcoming a grandchild stirs feelings of legacy and continuation. According to a study in the Gerontologist, grandparents who are actively involved report a greater sense of purpose and life satisfaction.
Aisha, a 62-year-old grandmother from Mumbai, felt overwhelming joy when she learned about her daughter's pregnancy. Aisha started knitting baby clothes immediately, envisioning herself teaching her grandchild about their culture. However, her daughter seemed preoccupied with work and the physical discomfort of pregnancy. Aisha felt a pang of guilt, wondering if her excitement was overshadowing her daughter's experience.
Contrast this with Ingrid, a grandmother from Oslo. While happy about her daughter's pregnancy, she focused on providing practical support. Ingrid knew her daughter valued independence, so she offered help with groceries and appointments, respecting her space during a time of immense change.
This week, try to match your energy to your child's needs. Don't smother them with your excitement. Ask what they need.
Say this: 'I'm so excited about the baby! I also know this can be a lot. What's one thing I can do to support you this week?'
Other moves:
- Listen without judgment: Create a safe space for your child to share their feelings.
- Offer practical help: Instead of buying gifts, offer to run errands or cook meals.
- Manage expectations: Acknowledge things will change. Do not expect to be as involved as you imagine.
When you meet your child where they are, you build a stronger bond. You become a true source of support, not a source of stress.
It's normal to feel immense grandparent excitement. Your child's feelings might be different, and that's also okay. Recognize their needs and offer support without overwhelming them.
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Common Questions
Yes! It's very common to feel a surge of joy and anticipation when you learn about a new grandchild. You're envisioning a new chapter for your family. Enjoy the feeling. Just be mindful of the parents' feelings, too.
Your daughter might be overwhelmed with the realities of pregnancy, finances, or career concerns. You, as a grandparent, might have more emotional space to enjoy the pure joy of a new family member. There may also be a generational difference. You likely grew up in a generation when family support during pregnancy was standard. Acknowledge her reality. Instead of saying "You should be more excited!" try saying "What are you most concerned about right now?"
Not necessarily. Some people process big news differently. Grandchild news can bring up many feelings. Your daughter might be anxious or overwhelmed. Watch for signs of depression. If her lack of excitement persists or is accompanied by other symptoms, gently suggest she speak with her doctor.
The best way to support your daughter is to listen without judgment. Offer practical help. Maybe that's running errands, cooking meals, or simply providing a listening ear. Avoid pressure. Let her process her feelings at her own pace. Do not invalidate her feelings by saying things like "You'll change your mind!" or "This is the best thing that will ever happen to you!" Instead, be honest: "I know this is a big change, and it's okay to feel however you feel."
Yes, prenatal depression is a real thing. Prenatal depression affects about 7% of pregnant women, according to the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists. Symptoms are similar to postpartum depression. Watch for persistent sadness, loss of interest, or changes in sleep or appetite.
Acknowledge your own feelings, but also respect your child's space. Find other outlets for your excitement. Share your joy with other friends or family members. Focus on providing practical support to your child without overwhelming them. Zoya, a grandmother from Cairo, started a secret scrapbook of baby photos to channel her excited grandparent energy without overwhelming her daughter.
Bonding takes time. It doesn't always happen instantly. Encourage skin-to-skin contact after birth, if possible. Create a calm and supportive environment. Be patient. If you have serious concerns about your child's ability to care for the baby, express your concerns to a healthcare provider.
Parenting styles change over time. What was considered best practice when you raised your children might be different now. Before offering advice, ask your child about their approach. This shows respect for their decisions. You can say, "I'm really curious about your approach to sleep training. Could you tell me more about it?" Frame your concerns as questions, not judgments.