Is it okay to feel jealous of the grandparents who live closer?
Jealousy signals a threat to your child's perceived well-being. It's not about the *amount* of grandparent time, but the *narrative* your child (and you) are building about love and belonging. Focus on creating unique, special moments with *your* child to build their sense of security.
What specific memories do you wish your child could share with their grandparents? What small step can you take to create a similar experience, even from afar?
Do you feel a pang of envy when you see photos of your sister's kids baking cookies with Grandma? Does it sting knowing your parents are a short drive for one sibling but a plane ride for you? You are not alone. This feeling is grandparent jealousy. It's that quiet ache when you feel your child is missing out. It is a fear of unequal love. This is the comparison trap. Ready to understand why this hurts so much?
Grandparent jealousy often stems from a perceived threat to your child's well-being. It is less about the actual minutes spent and more about the stories you tell yourself. Are you worried about unequal grandparent time? Humans crave fairness. When love feels uneven, our brains signal danger. A 2010 study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that perceived favoritism in families can lead to increased sibling rivalry and resentment, even into adulthood. You want your child to feel secure in their place in the family. When distance complicates this, those feelings are understandable.
Aisha, 38, lives in Toronto, while her parents are in Mumbai. Her brother lives down the street from them. Aisha says, "Every Diwali, my brother's kids get to help make sweets with my mom. My children only see it on video. I feel so guilty that they don't have that same cultural connection." In contrast, in many Indigenous cultures of North America, grandparents are seen as vital knowledge keepers and storytellers. Even with distance, families prioritize regular communication and visits to ensure children grow up connected to their heritage and elders. Both Aisha and Indigenous families value connection. Each experiences in-law jealousy differently.
This week, try to create a moment of connection between your child and their grandparents. Set up a regular virtual "story time."
Say this: "Grandma/Grandpa [Name] is going to read you a story every [Day of the Week] at [Time]. Let's pick out a book together!"
- Send a small, themed package to your child and the grandparents. A book, a small toy, or craft supplies to use together.
- Record a short video of your child sharing something they're proud of with their grandparents.
You will create a sense of anticipation and connection. Grandparents are not just faces on a screen. They become active participants in your child's life.
Grandparent jealousy is a common feeling. It signals a need for your child to feel loved and connected. Focus on creating consistent moments of connection, no matter the distance.
🤔 Which thinking lens(es) did you use?
Select all the lenses you used while thinking about this:
Common Questions
Resentment often stems from unmet expectations. You might expect your in-laws to treat your children the same as their other grandchildren. When that doesn't happen, it feels unfair. Acknowledge your feelings. Decide if it's worth addressing directly, or if shifting your expectations is more helpful.
Favoritism stings. One approach is to focus on the unique relationship your child does have with their grandparents. Can you initiate a special activity that is just between them? Think about your own childhood. Did you feel the same way? What is different now? For example, my mom always made me feel special by sending handwritten letters. It was a small thing, but it meant the world to me.
It's natural to feel protective of your child. Distance can create a sense of loss. It's a real grief. Instead of focusing on the 'shoulds,' acknowledge your child's feelings. Talk openly about how much their grandparents love them, even from far away.
Grandparent favoritism is tough to navigate. Dr. Karl Pillemer at Cornell University found that perceived favoritism can have long-lasting negative effects on sibling relationships. Consider having a calm, direct conversation with your parents. For instance, you can start by saying, "I've noticed [specific behavior], and I'm concerned about how it might be perceived." This opens a dialogue without accusation.
Start by expressing your feelings without blaming. Use "I" statements. For example, "I feel hurt when I see [action] because it makes me worry that [child's name] will feel left out." Be specific. Give examples. Suggest alternative behaviors you'd like to see.
Absolutely not. Jealousy is a common emotion. It's often rooted in a desire for connection and belonging. It's a signal that something feels off-balance. Instead of judging yourself, explore the root of your jealousy. What specific needs aren't being met? Then, can you focus on how to meet those? For instance, one mom I know felt left out when her sister and mom went to a concert together, so she said, “Mom, it looks like you and [Sister’s Name] have fun at concerts. Could we plan a movie night?”
Create consistent touchpoints. Schedule regular video calls. Send letters or packages. Use technology to bridge the distance. The Connection Cadence Framework can help. It includes Daily Micro-Connections, Weekly Rituals, and Monthly Surprises.
There could be many reasons. They might have limited resources, health issues, or other commitments. Perhaps they don't realize how important it is to you. Try to communicate your needs clearly and without judgment. For example, you could say, "I know it's hard, but it would mean so much to [child's name] if you could visit even once a year."