My 10yo is starting to get an attitude, how do I handle it?
Instead of reacting to the *attitude*, focus on the *request* underneath it. If they're rolling their eyes and saying, 'Ugh, do I *have* to do the dishes?', respond to the chore, not the eye roll: 'Yes, please start with the silverware.'
What makes you roll your eyes? Is there a connection between your child's attitude and a frustration you already understand?
It starts slowly. First, it's the bedroom door, closed more often than it's open. Then it's the door to their inner world. Your 10-year-old's attitude in children feels like a personal rejection. Every eye roll feels like a slammed door. Every muttered word feels like a wall going up. You remember when you were the sun in their sky. Now, you are just…there. Is this just a phase, or something more?
That 'attitude' is often a clumsy attempt at differentiation. Differentiation is when a child starts to see themselves as separate from their parents. A preteen is figuring out who they are, apart from you. Talking back can be a way of testing boundaries and asserting independence. According to a study by the University of New Hampshire, conflict with parents increases dramatically between ages 10 and 14, peaking in early adolescence. Parenting preteen children means navigating this push-pull of connection and separation. Your child needs to know you accept them, even as they change.
Aisha, 10, lives in Mumbai. She often argues with her mother about screen time. Aisha feels her mother doesn't understand the importance of staying connected with her friends online. She says her mother dismisses her feelings and treats her like a baby. In contrast, in Copenhagen, Johan also argues with his parents. But Johan's arguments are about having more independence. Johan feels his parents are too lenient. He wants more rules and structure. Both children, though worlds apart, are expressing a need for understanding and connection in their own ways.
Instead of reacting to the attitude, focus on the request underneath it. This is called "turning towards the bid". Disrespectful child behavior is often a bid for attention. If they're rolling their eyes and saying, 'Ugh, do I have to do the dishes?', respond to the chore, not the eye roll. Say this: 'Yes, please start with the silverware.' Smaller moves: 1. Schedule 15 minutes of one-on-one time daily. 2. Ask them to teach you something they enjoy. Realistically, this won't erase all the sass, but it will create small moments of connection.
Your 10-year-old's attitude isn't just defiance; it's a clumsy reach for independence and connection. Respond to what they're really asking for. Build small, consistent moments of connection to show you still care.
🤔 Which thinking lens(es) did you use?
Select all the lenses you used while thinking about this:
Common Questions
Instead of directly confronting the backtalk, try to understand the emotion behind it. Is your child feeling unheard, stressed, or insecure? Address the underlying feeling, and the talking back might decrease. For example, if they say 'That's not fair!', instead of saying 'Don't talk to me like that!' try saying 'It sounds like you feel this is unfair. Tell me more.'
Many child behavior problems are phases linked to developmental changes. However, persistent disrespect or defiance could signal deeper issues. Start by increasing positive interactions and open communication. If the behavior continues for more than a few months, consider talking to a child psychologist. A professional can help identify any underlying problems.
The best discipline focuses on teaching, not punishment. Use natural consequences. If your child refuses to do chores, they might lose privileges. Be consistent and calm. Avoid yelling or personal attacks, which can damage your relationship. Model the respectful behavior you want to see.
One powerful way is to show respect yourself. Actively listen when your child speaks, even if you disagree. Validate their feelings by saying things like, 'I understand why you're upset.' Also, involve them in family decisions. When kids feel heard and valued, they are more likely to show respect in return. Remember The Mirror parent role in conversation; reflect back feelings to promote calm.
Ignore the eye roll. Address the content of their words, not their tone. If you react to the eye roll, you give it power. If you ignore it, the behavior loses its impact. Focus on the message they're trying to communicate.
Make sure you listen to them first. Create dedicated times for conversation. Put away your phone, make eye contact, and actively listen to what they have to say. When your child feels heard and understood, they are more likely to reciprocate. For example, next time you need them to listen, say, 'I really need your attention for a minute. Can we talk?'
Many factors can contribute to attitude problems. These include hormonal changes, peer pressure, a desire for independence, or feeling misunderstood. Sometimes, attitude is a sign of stress or anxiety. Pay attention to any big changes in your child's life. These changes can trigger behavioral shifts.
Sass often masks a need for control. Give your 10-year-old choices. Instead of saying 'Do your homework now', try 'Would you like to do your homework before or after dinner?' Giving them a sense of agency can reduce the need for sass. If sass persists, address it calmly but firmly. For example, 'I understand you're frustrated, but I won't tolerate that tone of voice.'