We just started talking, is it too soon to feel like this?
It's not 'too soon' to *feel* anything. Feelings are feelings. But acting on those feelings – declaring undying love, planning a future together – might be premature before you actually *know* each other.
Are you more in love with them, or the way you feel when you're with them? What would happen if they stopped making you feel that way?
Imagine you're scrolling through someone's social media. Everything is perfect. Amazing vacation photos, delicious-looking food, smiling faces. It’s easy to feel like you know this person. You see the highlights, the very best parts. But a social media feed isn't a real life. Those early, intense feelings in a new relationship can feel like that. Are talking stage feelings real feelings? Absolutely. Are they the whole picture? Maybe not yet. Ready to see more of the picture?
Your brain loves novelty. When you meet someone new, a cocktail of chemicals floods your system. Dopamine (the pleasure chemical) spikes. Norepinephrine (the excitement chemical) makes your heart race. You might feel addicted to this person, even after a first date. This is called infatuation. It feels amazing. But infatuation isn't love. Infatuation is about projection. You project your hopes, dreams, and fantasies onto this person. According to a study by Dr. Helen Fisher, an anthropologist who studies love, this stage can last anywhere from a few weeks to 18 months. The question is: what happens when the chemicals fade? Do you still like the person underneath the fantasy?
Aisha, 22, from Karachi, Pakistan, met Omar at a wedding. She felt an instant spark. Aisha told her best friend, "I think he's the one." Aisha imagined their wedding, their future home, their kids' names. After the fifth date, Omar said he just wanted to be friends. Aisha was devastated. Compare this to Jean-Pierre, 19, from Montreal, Canada, who has a "three-date rule." Jean-Pierre allows himself to enjoy the excitement of meeting someone new. But he avoids making any big decisions until he knows them better. Both Aisha and Jean-Pierre felt strong early relationship emotions. Aisha let those emotions carry her away. Jean-Pierre created some boundaries.
Try a 'reality check' conversation. Ask a trusted friend for their honest opinion. What are you really seeing? Say this: 'Help me with a reality check. Am I talking more about how awesome they are, or how anxious/excited I feel? And when they mess up or have a bad day, what's my first reaction? Am I annoyed, or do I actually feel for them?' Also:
- Slow down the pace. Wait a beat before responding to texts.
- Focus on facts. List three things you know about this person, not three things you assume.
When you do this, you might find that your feelings become more grounded in reality. Or, you might realize you were falling too fast for a fantasy.
Feelings are real. Acting on them too soon can hurt. Slow down and get to know the real person, not the image you've created.
🤔 Which thinking lens(es) did you use?
Select all the lenses you used while thinking about this:
Common Questions
Ask yourself: Am I idealizing this person? Am I ignoring red flags? Am I planning a future with them before I know their past? If yes, you might be moving too fast. It's easy to get caught up in the excitement. Try to pump the brakes.
That feeling of obsession is often driven by anxiety and the fear of losing them before you even have them. It feels intense because your brain is in overdrive, trying to control the situation. Instead of fighting the feeling, acknowledge it. Then, redirect your energy into something productive. For example, if you are feeling anxious about their response, you could try working on a hobby.
Overthinking comes from uncertainty. Write down all your fears about this relationship. Then, write down one concrete action you can take to address each fear. Turn your anxiety into a plan.
Rejection hurts, no matter how long you've known someone. Prepare yourself for that possibility. Acknowledge that their feelings are valid, even if they don't match yours. Then, allow yourself time to grieve. Don't try to force them to change their mind. Instead, focus on your own healing and growth. A good script to remember: 'I respect your feelings, and I need some space to process mine.'
Not necessarily. Intense feelings can be exciting. But it can be a red flag if those feelings are based on fantasy. If you find yourself ignoring warning signs, or making excuses for bad behavior, that's a problem. Strong feelings are not inherently bad, but they need to be paired with good judgment.
Protect your heart without closing it off completely. A good strategy is to visualize your heart with a shield that has openings. This allows you to receive affection and love but still protect yourself. The openings let love in, but the shield prevents you from being fully vulnerable until you know the person better. You can adjust the shield as you get to know them better and build trust.
Timing is everything. Before you confess your feelings, ask yourself: What do I hope to gain? If you're looking for validation or a guaranteed commitment, you might be disappointed. If you simply want to be honest and authentic, that's a good reason to share. Be prepared for any outcome.
One way to test this is to look at their actions versus your feelings. Are your feelings justified by their actions? For example, are you thinking about marriage after one date, but they are not even texting you back consistently? Dr. Wendy Walsh, a relationship expert, suggests matching actions with feelings. If there is a mismatch, then that is a sign you are moving too fast and need to re-evaluate what is happening.