What do I do when grandparents buy more for one grandchild?
Instead of directly confronting your parents, focus on creating special one-on-one experiences with the 'less favored' grandchild. This fills their emotional cup and subtly highlights the imbalance without creating defensiveness.
What unspoken history is playing out through your parents' actions? What is the real question you're afraid to ask them (or yourself)?
You see grandparent favoritism in action. One grandchild gets the bigger gifts. The other gets the hand-me-downs. One gets the excited hugs. The other gets a pat on the head. Grandparents might not see it. Your children definitely do. You feel like you're watching a game where the rules are rigged. Every slight feels like a personal attack. It's more than just the gifts. It's the unspoken message: one is more loved than the other. How do you stop the game before someone gets hurt?
Why does grandchild favoritism happen? It is rarely about the grandchildren themselves. Often, it echoes the grandparents' own past. Were they a 'favorite' child? Or did they crave their own parent's approval? Sometimes, a grandchild reminds them of someone they loved (or resented). Unequal gifts grandchildren may be an attempt to rewrite their own story. Other times, the 'favorite' lives closer, making visits easier. A 2015 study in the Journal of Family Psychology found that geographical proximity significantly influences grandparent-grandchild relationships. Distance creates a bias. Love isn't always the reason.
Aisha, 38, from Mumbai, noticed her parents always bought her son cricket gear. Her daughter got books, which her son hated. Aisha felt helpless. Her daughter started saying, 'Grandma likes Rohan more.' In contrast, Maria, 45, from Buenos Aires, sees a different dynamic. Her mother showers all the grandchildren with gifts. The problem? The gifts are always expensive clothes for the girls and cheap toys for the boys. Same sting, different wrapping. No matter the culture, unequal love hurts.
Instead of attacking, try connecting. Plan special one-on-one time with the 'less favored' grandchild. Take them to do something they love. Make it about their interests. This fills their emotional cup. It also highlights the imbalance to the grandparents without a fight. Say this: 'I'm planning a special day with [child's name] to [activity]. Would you like to hear all about it when we get back?' Smaller moves include: 1. Actively celebrate the child's strengths. 2. Create photo albums that highlight moments with that child. When you focus on building up one child, the imbalance becomes clearer to everyone.
Grandparent favoritism stings. It's not about love; it's about old patterns and biases. Focus on building up the child who gets less. That way, you fill their emotional cup.
🤔 Which thinking lens(es) did you use?
Select all the lenses you used while thinking about this:
Common Questions
Avoid accusations. Use 'I feel' statements. For example: 'I feel concerned when I see a big difference in gifts. It makes me worry about how the kids perceive your love.' This approach is less likely to trigger defensiveness than saying, 'You're being unfair!'
Signs include: unequal gifts (gift inequality grandchildren), more attention to one grandchild, always asking about one grandchild's activities, and dismissing the other's feelings. My friend Susan noticed her mom always asked about her son's soccer games but never her daughter's dance recitals. Susan realized her mom valued sports more than arts.
It's common, but not ideal. Grandparents are human. They connect with some personalities more than others. They might see a grandchild as a 'mini-me.' Acknowledging it is normal doesn't make it okay. Address the behavior, not the feeling.
Focus on building your child's self-esteem. Highlight their strengths. Create special moments. Remind them that love comes in many forms. Also, have open conversations. If your child asks why Grandma gives bigger gifts to their cousin, acknowledge their feelings. Say, 'I see that, and your feelings are valid. It doesn't mean she loves you less.'
Yes, age-appropriately. Validate their feelings. Don't bash the grandparent. Explain that people show love differently. If they are young, keep it simple. If they are older, you can explore the situation more deeply.
Start by validating their feelings. 'It's okay to feel that way.' Then, explain that sometimes people connect with others for different reasons. Avoid saying, 'They love you both the same.' Kids know that's often untrue. Instead, say, 'Grandma and Grandpa have a special bond with [sibling/cousin]. You have a special bond with me, and that's really important too.'
Fairness is tricky. Explain that fair doesn't always mean equal. Sometimes people have different needs. Focus on what is fair: everyone deserves to be treated with respect and kindness. Grandparents should not be mean or unkind, even if gifts are unequal.
If addressing favoritism with grandparents is met with denial, shift your focus. You can't control their behavior. You can control your response. Continue to build up the child who feels less loved. Create your own special traditions. Sometimes, actions speak louder than words. For example, plan a monthly 'adventure day' with the less favored grandchild.