What if I love the idea of them more than the real person?
You're likely addicted to the *feeling* of being in love, and projecting a perfect future onto someone who hasn't earned it; slow down, spend time with them in mundane situations, and see if the real them still excites you.
What are you afraid of discovering about this person? If they were exactly who you imagine, what would you miss out on?
Feels like you're scrolling through a perfect Instagram feed. Every picture of them is amazing. Every caption is witty. You build a whole story around these highlights. A perfect relationship. A perfect future. Except... have you even seen the real person behind the filter? Is this idealizing partner or do you really know them? The feeling is intoxicating. What if you're more in love with the idea of them than the actual person?
You might be experiencing infatuation vs love. Infatuation happens when your brain fixates on someone. You create a fantasy based on limited information. It floods your brain with dopamine. This feels amazing. But it is not real. You are loving a fantasy, not a person. One study shows that during infatuation, the brain regions associated with reward and motivation are highly active, similar to when someone is using drugs (Fisher, 2004). A true relationship needs more than a feeling. It needs real connection, flaws and all.
Aisha, 17, from Mumbai, felt completely obsessed with a boy she met online. She spent hours looking at his photos. She imagined their life together. When they finally met in person, he was nothing like she imagined. He was awkward and shy. Aisha felt crushed. In contrast, Mateo, 16, from Madrid, had a slow-burn attraction to his classmate. At first, he didn't think much of her. But as he got to know her sense of humor and kindness, he fell in love. He fell in love with the real her, not a fantasy.
Test the reality. Start small. Meet them in a boring situation. Go grocery shopping together. Study at the library. See if you still feel the spark when they are not trying to impress you. Ask yourself: “Do I like spending time with them, or do I just like how they make me feel?”
Say this: 'I've noticed I've been crush vs reality and picturing us in my head. Can we just hang out doing normal stuff this week so I can figure out what is real and what is not?'
Also try these:
- Limit social media stalking.
- Ask a trusted friend if they see what you see.
When you test the real person, you will know if your feelings are real. You might be disappointed, or you might find something even better.
You're addicted to the feeling of being in love. You're projecting a perfect future onto someone who hasn't earned it. Slow down. Spend time with them in mundane situations. See if the real them still excites you.
🤔 Which thinking lens(es) did you use?
Select all the lenses you used while thinking about this:
Common Questions
Catch yourself when you are daydreaming. Write down three real, imperfect things about them. Talk to a friend who knows them well. Ask for their honest opinion. This will bring you back to reality. No one is perfect, and that's okay.
Sometimes, a parent-child dynamic plays out in relationships. You might be repeating a pattern from your childhood. Maybe you are attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable because that feels familiar. This is a framework called Attachment Theory. Knowing your attachment style can help you choose healthier partners. Find a partner who is present and available.
Yes, it is normal. Especially when you are young. Your brain is still developing. You are exploring your feelings. Just be aware of it. Don't let the fantasy blind you to the reality. The real person is always more complex than the idea of them. This is normal, but not necessarily healthy long term.
Real feelings grow over time. Infatuation is instant. Real feelings are based on shared experiences. Infatuation is based on fantasy. Pay attention to how you feel when you're not with them. Do you miss their presence, or just the feeling of being adored? A real connection feels like a secure base, not a rollercoaster. Imagine a real long term, will it still work?
It means you are in love with a version of them that exists only in your head. You are projecting your hopes and dreams onto them. You are not seeing them for who they really are. You are seeing them for who you want them to be. It is a form of loving a fantasy.
Ask open-ended questions. Listen more than you talk. Share your own vulnerabilities. Create shared experiences. Do something new together. Travel together. See how they react under stress. As the saying goes, everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth. What do they REALLY do when under pressure? Priya, 22, learned her boyfriend was a completely different person on their first camping trip when it rained for three days straight.
Recognize that everyone has flaws. Focus on their positive qualities. Practice gratitude for what they do bring to the relationship. Accept that you will not always get what you want. Lowering expectations isn't about settling. It's about accepting reality.
Possibly. If you are more in love with the idea of them, you might be. Disappointment happens when reality does not meet expectations. To avoid disappointment, lower your expectations. Get to know the real person. Focus on the present, not the future. If your feelings are based on fantasy, prepare for a letdown. It is OKAY to lower the pedestal!