What's the first step to not hating being alone?
The first step isn't about *liking* being alone, it's about identifying *specifically* what you're avoiding or escaping *from* when you seek company – boredom, hard feelings, tough decisions? Name the dragon before you slay it.
What specific feeling do you dread facing when you're alone? What is one small thing you can do this week to face it instead of running?
It’s the sound of the key in the lock, the click of the door, and then… the overwhelming silence that echoes in a space meant for more than one. Maybe you scroll through social media. Perhaps you turn on the TV for noise. Maybe you call someone—anyone. You do almost anything to avoid the feeling that bubbles up when you're alone. Are you running to connection, or running from something else?
The first step isn't about liking being alone. Instead, identify what you're avoiding when you seek company.
It's vital to understand the difference between solitude and isolation. Isolation is a punishment. Solitude is a choice. Solitude is restorative aloneness. Isolation is painful disconnection. Think of it this way: solitude is time with yourself, while isolation is time against yourself.
This is important because loneliness is a signal. It tells you something is missing. Often, that missing thing isn't people. It's a feeling, such as safety or purpose. According to Brigham Young University research, loneliness can increase your risk of early death by 26%.
Aisha, 31, lives in Mumbai. Aisha works from home. Her family lives far away. Her friends are busy with their own lives. Evenings stretch long and empty after work. She fills them with TV and social media until she feels numb. Aisha isn't sad all the time. But the quiet moments feel heavy.
Contrast this with Carlos, 68, who lives alone in Madrid after retiring. He spends his days painting, volunteering at a local animal shelter, and meeting friends for coffee. Carlos enjoys his own company. Both are alone. Only Aisha feels lonely.
This week, identify ONE thing you do to avoid being alone. Name it. Is it social media? Is it overworking? Is it calling your ex? Then, instead of doing it, sit with the feeling. Say this: 'This feeling is uncomfortable, but I am safe. I can handle this.'
Smaller moves you can also try:
- Make a list of 5 activities you enjoy doing alone.
- Schedule one block of 'alone time' in your calendar.
When people try this, they often discover the discomfort lessens over time. Also, they discover what they were really missing.
Don't try to love being alone overnight. Instead, figure out what you're running from. Name the feeling. Then, take small steps toward being okay with feeling it.
🤔 Which thinking lens(es) did you use?
Select all the lenses you used while thinking about this:
Common Questions
Start small. Don't try to fill the void with endless social activity. Instead, identify one small, meaningful connection you can make. Call a friend. Write a letter to a relative. Join a book club. The goal is quality over quantity. Small connections can fight social loneliness.
Yes, it's normal, especially if you've experienced a loss or major life change. Your brain may associate being alone with sadness or fear. This is especially true if you have an anxious attachment style. People with this attachment style often find being alone very difficult. It can trigger feelings of abandonment.
Treat yourself like someone you love. Would you leave someone you love alone all day with nothing to do? No. Plan activities you enjoy. Cook a nice meal. Read a book. Take a bath. The goal is to create positive experiences for yourself. This builds self-compassion.
The best activities are ones that engage your mind and body. Try learning a new skill, such as knitting or coding. Listen to a podcast. Do some yoga. Write in a journal. The goal is to be present in the moment, rather than dwelling on the fact that you're alone. If you feel restless, try cleaning. A clean space is a calm space.
Allow yourself to grieve. A breakup is a loss. It's okay to feel sad, angry, or confused. Don't try to suppress these feelings. Acknowledge them. Write them down. Talk to a trusted friend. This helps you process the pain and move forward. Crying is good.
Shift your focus from what you lack to what you have. Being single offers unique freedoms and opportunities. You can pursue your passions. You can travel. You can focus on your personal growth. Embrace these opportunities. Don't see being single as a waiting room for a relationship. See it as a valuable chapter in your life. Also, don't compare yourself to others. Everyone's journey is different.
Solitude can boost creativity. It can reduce stress. It can improve your self-awareness. Being alone gives you time to reflect on your life, your goals, and your values. It's a chance to recharge and reconnect with yourself. Try to see it as a gift, not a curse.
This fear often stems from a belief that you're not worthy of love or that you'll never find someone. Challenge these beliefs. List your positive qualities. Remind yourself of your past successes. Remember, your worth isn't determined by your relationship status. Practice self-love. Write yourself a love letter as if you were someone who adores you. What would they say?