Why do I still want their approval even though they always hurt me?
You're likely experiencing a deep-seated attachment wound; your brain is wired to seek connection with your primary caregivers, even if that connection is harmful, because survival as a child depended on it. This creates a powerful, often unconscious drive to seek their approval, even when your rational mind knows it's detrimental.
What is one specific area where you consistently seek their approval, even though it causes you pain? If you stopped seeking it, what would you have to face?
Imagine a plant constantly reaching for sunlight, even when that light scorches its leaves. You crave parental approval. It's a primal need, like that plant needing light to survive. But instead of nourishment, you often get hurt. You know, logically, this person isn't good for you. Still, you yearn for their love, their acceptance, their pride. That push-pull feeling leaves you exhausted and confused. Why does their opinion matter so much? Keep reading to understand the roots of this painful desire.
Your desire for approval, even from toxic parents, often stems from childhood trauma. As children, our brains are wired to seek connection with our primary caregivers. Our survival depended on it. This creates a powerful, often unconscious drive to seek their approval, even when that connection is harmful. It's called an attachment wound. According to attachment theory, early childhood experiences shape our expectations of relationships throughout life. A study by Bowlby showed that children who experience inconsistent or rejecting parenting are more likely to develop an anxious-preoccupied attachment style, characterized by a strong desire for approval and fear of rejection. This explains why seeking validation feels so urgent, even when it hurts.
Aisha, 32, from Mumbai, constantly sought her mother's approval, even after years of criticism. Aisha excelled in her career, but it was never enough for her mother, who always found fault. Aisha felt trapped in a cycle of trying to please her, only to be disappointed. In contrast, Mark, 45, from Chicago, also had critical parents. However, Mark embraced a more independent path. He realized his parents' approval wasn't essential for his happiness. Both Aisha and Mark experienced the pain of unmet parental expectations, but their responses differed based on their cultural context and personal beliefs.
This week, practice setting a small boundary. Start with something simple. Identify one area where you consistently seek their approval, even though it causes you pain. For example, maybe it's about your career choices. Say this: 'I appreciate your input, but I've made my decision.'
Here are a few smaller moves:
- Limit the amount of time you spend discussing that topic.
- Notice how you feel before you interact with them. Write it down.
- After, write down how you feel after. Compare the two.
Over time, setting boundaries can reduce the power of their approval over your emotions. It creates space for you to value your own opinions.
You are not alone in this struggle. Your craving for parental approval is wired into you. It's okay to protect yourself by creating some distance and learning to trust your own judgment.
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Common Questions
Craving approval from toxic parents is often rooted in childhood survival instincts. As children, your brain learns to seek connection with your primary caregivers, even if that connection is harmful. This creates an unconscious drive for their approval. Your younger self equated parental approval with safety.
Begin by recognizing that you are worthy of validation from yourself. Challenge the negative beliefs they instilled in you. Replace them with positive affirmations. For example, if they always criticized your appearance, look in the mirror and say, 'I am beautiful and valuable just as I am.' Over time, you can become your own source of validation. I know someone who puts sticky notes on her mirror, car dashboard, and computer. It seems silly, but it works.
Yes, it's completely normal. It's a natural human desire to want love and acceptance from your parents. Even when emotional abuse is present, that desire doesn't simply disappear. Acknowledging this need is the first step toward healing.
Desperation for parental pride often stems from a deep-seated belief that you are not good enough. This belief may have been ingrained in you through years of criticism or neglect. To counter this, start celebrating your own achievements, no matter how small. Keep a journal of your accomplishments. Acknowledge your strengths. Learn to give yourself the validation you never received from them. Maya Angelou wrote about this feeling of never being good enough, even after achieving great success.
Compassionate detachment involves creating emotional and physical distance from a toxic parent while still acknowledging their humanity. It's about protecting your own well-being without necessarily cutting them out of your life completely. Think of it as building a healthy fence.
You might be stuck in a pattern of seeking parental approval because you are hoping for a different outcome. Each time you try to please them, you are unconsciously hoping that this time, they will finally give you the love and acceptance you crave. Unfortunately, if they are consistently disappointing, this pattern will likely continue unless you change your approach. Try asking yourself "What would it look like to stop trying to please them, and instead please myself?"
Healing from emotional neglect involves recognizing the impact it has had on your life. Start by identifying your unmet emotional needs. Then, find healthy ways to meet those needs yourself. This might involve learning to self-soothe, setting boundaries, or seeking support from others. Many find journaling helpful.
Dealing with enablers requires setting firm boundaries. Let them know that you will not participate in conversations that involve criticizing or belittling you. If they continue to enable the toxic parent's behavior, you may need to limit your contact with them as well. For example, you could say, 'I understand you want to keep the peace, but I need to protect myself. I will not be around when Mom/Dad is being hurtful.'